As I held her in my arms, with the sweetest face gazing back into mine I immediately realized that she was the ultimate blessing. How could she ever know that I needed her more than she needed me. To think I had almost given up on ever having this feeling.
As a little girl I figured it would all happen just as easy as society made it appear. I would look at every pregnant women with awe and amazement. In my eyes they were supernatural, magical beings. What a miraculous feat it must be to carry a life inside of you. I didn't know how it all worked but I knew that one day I wanted THAT. I would get an education, get married and have my baby, a girl, always a little girl. Ah, but life is never really that simple is it?
Education, check! Marriage, check! Pregnancy, check! My pregnancy journey was definitely more exhaustive than just a check mark and it didn't happen in the order in which I had planned. There were many failed attempts, one pregnancy loss and then FINALLY a positive test.
While lying in bed one day as a young adult, I felt a strong pulse in my lower left abdomen and I became immediately concerned. I needed to confirm what I was feeling so I let my Mom examine the area and she too confirmed what I was feeling. We both agreed to get it checked out by a medical professional.
The doctor immediately thought I was pregnant but through further testing it was confirmed that I had a fibroid the size of a five month fetus and I had to get it removed or risk having to have a hysterectomy (removal of the uterus). That within itself frightened me. Wait….fibroids? Surgery? No uterus? No pregnancy? My plans became quickly skewed towards a direction I never could have imagined. Motherhood happened when you wanted it to....right?
After my myomectomy (surgery to remove fibroids) I loss faith that pregnancy was a possibility for me even though the doctor said I could after the surgery. I saw my uterus as damaged and with the scar tissue that a myomectomy creates I really wasn't so sure that it provided the ideal environment for pregnancy.
I looked in shock and total amazement at the strong positive test as I held it in my hands. Almost one year after my myomectomy there was no doubt about it, I was pregnant. Me? Immediately my mind went from shock to complete mommy mode. Flashes of this new responsibility became my reality. The joy this new life would bring was strong on my mind, that though completely freaked and somewhat terrified,
I was happy.
I got up one night to use the restroom. As I wiped, the bright orange color that appeared took my breath away. I was gutted. I was careful....I made sure to be careful. Why give this to me to only take it away? No! Please no! I couldn't believe I was losing this pregnancy. It was one that I didn't know I wanted but one I wanted so badly.
“I'm sorry Ms. Sweeting”…and the doctor went on to confirm my worst fears. No longer pregnant. No little girl. Motherhood that was once so close seemed like galaxies away; it was ripped from my grasp so quickly.
Galaxies, and one negative test after the other, month after month. NO! NO! NO! The two week wait between testing over and over was emotionally exhausting and the deflated feeling of that "NO" made "YES" seem like an impossible idea. I was married now to a wonderful man who wanted a child just as much as I did. We prayed and prayed but God was telling us "NO". A little girl was our dream but our dream we feared, would never come true. A dream that would remain out of our grasp and etched in the clouds; destined to live there forever.
We started talking about the possibility of adoption and some how learned to survive the disappointment of "NO". I decided to just let the idea of being a mother go, via the conventional method anyway. Instead I focused on getting healthy. I changed my diet (Keto) and focused all my attention on that. I began to see awesome results and I was feeling my entire self.
A cabinet once home to a number of pregnancy tests now was home to just one. One month from starting the Keto diet, I began to cramp which was an indication that I was about to start my period but this cramping was different as there was no bleed. My first thought was to confirm that I was NOT pregnant and get on with my life.
Ha! Well look at God! With test in hand, my dream had finally dropped from the sky! The biggest "PREGNANT" mine eyes had ever seen, literally! God showed up and out for sure! I thought on the many No's I had received and couldn't believe I now got to experience "Yes" once again! I was going to be a momma and I was thankful and overjoyed!
July 30th 2018, my amazing gift from God was here! She was perfect and she was mine.
Sometimes we get so caught up with thinking that we should be doing more. Always more.
Even though we pray we still feel as if we still control the outcome. Our minds detach from our faith and we forget how to just be still. You have been so incredibly strong and brave to keep trying every method there is to conceive but you must know when to release it into God's hands and leave it there. Try now to shift your focus and remember that God already knows. He hears your cries and feels your every disappointment. God is fully aware of the desires of your heart and His purpose for your life.
Your infertility does NOT make you damaged goods. Your infertility does NOT mean that you will never be a mother. Your infertility may just be leading you to another path. There are many other options. Explore! God's plan for your life is perfect and His plan will be fulfilled in His perfect timing. In time if your "Yes" is to come, keep the faith and know that your "Yes" awaits. PRAY, be
patient and just be STILL.
Keishan Vaughn
About the Author
Keishan Vaughan is a wife, mother, entrepreneur, creative and aspiring author. She is a makeup artist and owner of Keishan Vaughan Makeup Artistry .
She is also part owner of Maddison Charls, a hair accessory outlet for girls.
Keishan finds joy in creating and designing just about anything. She loves to spend time on the beach, doing this with a book is a dream come true for her.
Keishan is also passionate about empowering women to be their best selves and live their best lives.
She feels honored and blessed to be able to do this through writing.
Keishan also has a heart for mentoring and developing the youth of our nation.